#depressing lyrics lit beats

[aayakashii]

got very depressed today and ended up writing a very self-indulgent comfort fic that now I will make everyone's problem ヽ(*´∀`)人(´∀`*)ﾉ

featuring 🫵you🫵, Peekaboo, and special guest Sagara Haru. It's fluff, tooth rotting fluff again. I am just a girl.

soft beats to feed your baby anomaly to

Your fingers tapped against your chin as you stood in the middle of the Jabberwock kitchen, eyes scanning all the pots that were scattered around the counter and shelves, way too wary to actually rummage through them with your hands.

“Baby formula… baby formula… baby formula…” you muttered repeatedly, as you read every label of every container, until your eyes stopped at an inconspicuous pot with no label.

Stepping closer, you opened the lid, and was met with a crumpled bag of baby formula stuffed inside.

“God, I would never find this if I only relied on the labels” you said, huffing, pulling the bag out and walking back to the living room.

A small bottle with boiled water was ready, on top of a small stool, right beside a crib that contained a very hungry and very impatient Peekaboo.

“Found it, Peekaboo!” you said, triumphantly, and slumped on the floor, bringing the stool closer.

“I can now make your bottle and feed you! I'm sorry it took so long, but you gotta tell your dad that his kitchen is a mess.” you rambled, as you began to scoop the baby formula and put it carefully in the bottle. Peekaboo chirped in what seemed like agreement with you.

As you quietly kept scooping small amounts of the powder, you finally relaxed, humming the tune to a song that was stuck in your head for the past week. At this, Peekaboo's ears twitched and perked up, and he waddled closer to you.

“Okay, done!” You finished shaking the bottle to mix the contents and Peekaboo immediately raised his little arms towards you.

“You want uppies?” you said, smiling as you noticed his expectant face. “Okay, let's give you uppies.”

With a groan (Peekaboo was heavier than he seemed), you picked him up and began to bring the bottle towards his mouth, until his arms patted your hand, pushing the bottle away.

“What's up, baby? I thought you were hungry” you asked, confused.

Peekaboo kept flailing his arms, pointing to the bottle and to you, clearly trying to communicate something.

“I'm sorry love, I don't know what you mean…”

His little face scrunched up, as he wiggled on your arms and booped your mouth and then the bottle.

“You want me to drink from the bottle too?!”

He shook his whole body, growling impatiently. For a moment, he stared at you, as if he was thinking about how he could convey his message in a way that you would understand. After a few seconds, he chirped his usual sounds, but tried hard to mimic the melody you were humming a few moments before.

“Oh! You want me to sing for you while I feed you?” you guessed.

His little face lit up, and he nodded fiercely.

“Okay, okay, but er… I'm not a very good singer, honey” you replied, apologetic despite his excitement.

Peekaboo growled, showing his huge sharp teeth and you knew there was no bargaining with a spoiled anomalous animal.

“Fineeee, fine! Okay, I'll sing, but you have to promise me you'll drink your bottle and not bite me, okay?” you sighed.

Peekaboo nodded happily again, chirping and extending his stubby little arms to the bottle.

As you titled the bottle to his mouth, his red, shiny eyes looked at you expectantly. You cleared your throat and began to murmur the lyrics to the song.

Stars shinin' bright above you

Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you”

Peekaboo frowned and tapped your throat, clearly ordering you to sing louder. You sighed heavily again, shaking your head in defeat, and raised your voice.

Birds singin' in the sycamore tree

Dream a little dream of me

You began to sway gently, careful not to make Peekaboo sick with the movement.

Say, "Nighty-night" and kiss me

Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me

While I'm alone and blue as can be

Dream a little dream of me

The little bunny-like anomaly closed his eyes, gulping his food and peacefully enjoying the slow swaying of your body, feeling relaxed in your arms.

Stars fadin'–

You cleared your throat again, as your voice cracked trying to reach the higher tune, but Peekaboo seemed to pay no mind to how out of tune you sounded sometimes.

Stars fadin’ but I linger on, dear

Still cravin' your kiss

I'm longin' to linger 'til dawn, dear

Just saying this

The bottle was quickly emptying as you clumsily sang and danced with the small animal in your arms, and, in your concentration, you failed to notice a flash of red appearing on one of the corridors.

Sweet dreams 'til sunbeams find you

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you

But in your dreams, whatever they be

Dream a little dream of me

You hummed the ad-lib part of the song as Peekaboo downed the last bit of the bottle, still moving slowly and carefully as he yawned in your arms.

Stars fadin' but I linger on, dear

Still cravin' your kiss

I'm longing to linger 'til dawn, dear

Just saying this

Your voice didn't crack this time, and you put Peekaboo against your shoulder, giving little taps against his back in order to help with his digestion – a little burp coming out of his mouth making you giggle as you sang.

Sweet dreams 'til sunbeams find you

Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you

But in your dreams, whatever they be

Dream a little dream of me

As you finished the song, Peekaboo ended up fast asleep on your arms, and you kept humming and dancing, all while completely unaware of how Haru observed the scene, hidden behind one of the pillars of the living room.

The red-headed blushed furiously, his hand covering his mouth in order to hide a smile that was so big that could light up stadiums upon stadiums.

“Isn't that good, Peekaboo? We finally got you the other mom I've always wanted for you!!” he thought to himself, pumping his fist victoriously in the air, as wedding bells ringed into his mind after seeing the domestic scene unravel in front of him. He hadn't even confessed nor invited you to a single date, but after that, he knew he couldn't wait any longer.

[hobiebrownismygod]

Such a Lovely Face Hobie Brown/Spider-Punk x Fem!Reader

~1.5k words

Synopsis: After a bad day, you find yourself sitting on a rooftop to calm down, and end up encountering Hobie Brown. The two of you have a nice conversation.

TW: Mention of police brutality, explosions, slight implication of the reader having depression/being depressed

A/N: I tried something new with the lyrics being a part of the story, so if it doesn't really work I'm sorry 😭. I'm really trying to accustom myself to new writing styles cuz I'm still fairly new to fanfictions, so lmk if it doesn't make sense or could be better!

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On a dark desert highway Cool wind in my hair

You were sitting atop one of the many rooftops in Camden, London, quietly humming one of your favorite songs to yourself as you looked out into the distance. The cool breeze was refreshing compared to the stuffy atmosphere of your tiny apartment downstairs, and you decided you'd stay up here on the rooftop for as long as you could, until of course you were caught by the police for breaking the curfew. It had happened before.

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim I had to stop for the night

You hugged your knees to your chest and rested your chin atop them, breathing in the night air softly, the moonlight shining onto your face as you looked up at the stars. But you could barely see them, the entire sky covered in a thick layer of fog, gases emitted from the thousands of horrific factories littering the streets of London, courtesy of the one and only President Osborne, a hopeless tyrant with nothing better to do than pollute.

There she stood in the doorway I heard the mission bell

"What're you lookin' at lassie?"

You swiveled your head around, heart beating out of your chest as you stumbled back, nearly falling off the rooftop, searching for where that voice had come from. "Hey, don't worry. I'm not a cop" A man appeared from the shadows with a wink, wearing a bright red and blue costume, completed with a leather jacket and skinny jeans on top. The one and only Spider-punk.

"Whatcha doin' up 'ere all my y'self at this time of nigh'?" He asked, plopping down next to you, mask lit up by the light coming from the night sky. "O-oh just hanging out" you stammered, a bit taken aback by his cool, playful nature. You weren't expecting to meet the vigilante at this time, and you definitely weren't expecting him to take a seat next to you.

And I was thinking to myself This could be heaven or this could be hell

"I heard you singing somethin'." He leaned in toward you slightly, head tilted sideways as he looked down at you. "What song was 't?" You fidgeted with your fingers, sitting in a criss-cross position and keeping your gaze on the distance in front of the two of you. "Hotel California" you said quietly, a smile appearing on your face as the lyrics crossed your mind. "Its a nice song". He nodded, looking out at the distance like you were. "Tha' it is."

Then she lit up a candle And she showed me the way

"You didn't answer m'question though" He said, looking back at you. "What're you doing up at this time of night all by y'self?"

"I was just thinking."

"Thinking 'bout what?"

"Everything."

There were voices down the corridor I thought I heard them say

He blinked. "You gonna keep acting like a priss or are ya gonna tell me?" You shot him a scowl. "There's just a lot going on in my life right now, okay? Besides, I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. There's probably plenty people out there that you need to save" you said somberly, biting the inside of your cheek as you looked away again.

"Look 'ere peng," He said, snapping his fingers at you. "I'm London's friendly neighborhood Spider-man. I'm not just here to save people. Whatever you 'ave to say, I'm here to listen too."

Welcome to the Hotel California

"Really? So I can ask you anything?"

"Anything."

A moment of silence followed, a moment you took to think about what your question should be. And then it hit you.

"Why do you do what you do?"

He looked a bit taken aback by this question, the white eyes of his mask widening slightly. "Jumping right into it, are we?" He asked with a soft chuckle, looking down over the rooftop. His fingers fidgeted, picking at a rip in his jeans as he thought up what his answer would be. He hadn't been expecting you to ask a question that would require such a complicated answer.

"You did say I could ask you anything..." Your voice was slightly cocky, enjoying how tongue-tied he seemed trying to give a response. The question may have seemed innocent, but you were genuinely curious.

Your life wasn't terrible. You came from a fairly well-off family, you attended a good college, you lived in a clean neighborhood in a nice apartment. But you were so sad all the time. There was no reason for it, it was just as if you didn't understand the point of anything you did. Like nothing mattered. Like you didn't matter.

How was this man supporting the weight of the world on his shoulders without voicing a single complaint? How could a person be so strong? Why was he so strong?

"I do this-this Spider-man gig-" He gestured as his suit, "-because if I don't, nobody else will."

He looked back over at you and noticed your head slightly tilted as if you were waiting for a longer response. "Thats it. Tha's my reason."

"Oh?"

He stammered for a moment, gears in his head turning as he tried to explain what he was trying to say. "Look, I'm the only Spider-man in this city, right? If I'm gone, what'll happen to the people I'm s'posed to protect?" He pointed out towards the distant lights of the inner city, "The people in the slums, the punks and protestors of London, I'm their voice." He sighed softly, looking up at the stars, the light making the eyes of his mask shine brightly, an almost ethereal glow emanating. "I have to do this. I have to fight for these people. I'm their only hope."

Such a lovely place Such a lovely face

"I see." You said quietly, a slight smile spreading across your face. He wasn't as perfect as he seemed. The poor guy seemed pretty stressed from the look of it. All that pressure..., "I was expecting you to say it was for the freedom. Or the fame." You added in a slightly teasing tone, nudging his shoulder gently to snap him out of his somber trance.

He jumped slightly at the touch before a grin returned to his face. "What fame? Half the city hates me and the other half think I'm a saint." He shook his head. "I'm neither."

"You're not a saint?"

"I'm not a hero."

You were a bit taken aback by this declaration. "What are you talking about? If anyone's a hero it's you." you said, raising an eyebrow at him. He chuckled softly, looking at you, the white of his mask boring into you. "Guess you're part of the second half then."

You rolled your eyes at him. "Mate, you're the sole reason London's not up in flames at this moment. That seems pretty heroic to me."

"I've been the reason for a lot of other things going up in flames, though" he countered teasingly, leaning in towards you slightly, that playful tone returning to his voice.

"Yeah but that's all Osborne's crap. Nobody's complaining about it."

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

"Hah. Damn right."

Another moment of silence followed, the quiet tension almost deafening. "Not as perfect as you seem, hmm pretty boy?"

"You think I'm pretty?" He gave you a sly wink. "You haven't even seen my face. But you're probably right about the perfect part." You smacked his arm playfully, laughing as you did so.

You hadn't expected your spirits to have been lifted so easily, but he just had that effect. A can-do attitude and a cocky tone could do wonders for a bad day. "So? Did your friendly neighborhood Spider-man save yet another boring night?" He asked smugly, tilting his head and putting his hands behind him to support him as he leaned back. "Honestly? Yeah. Thanks." You said, offering him as fist bump. He took it, gently bumping his suited fist against yours and making a pop noise with his mouth as he pulled it away.

Suddenly, you heard an explosion from the distance, probably the result of yet another instance of police brutality, Osborne's pigs being well-known for their trigger-happy fingers and exclusively deadly weaponry. There wasn't a day gone by where something didn't get blown up or a group of people wasn't killed. But that was just life in London. "I suppose that's my cue to leave" Spider-punk said, hopping up and stretching out his arms, cracking his neck to the side. "It was nice meeting you, Ms...?"

"Y/N"

"Y/N." he repeated, letting the name roll off his tongue. "Lovely name for a lovely face."

You shook your head at him. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" You asked, suppressing a laugh. "Yeah, yeah. I'll see you around, darling." And he was off.

Anytime of year You can find it here

"See you." you whispered as you watched him swing away, his guitar slung over his shoulder, just barely holding on. You smiled to yourself before you got up, ready to go back inside. You were feeling much better now.

You knew that next time you were feeling down, you'd be sure to call him over. After all, what's the point of having a friendly neighborhood Spider-man if you can't make use of him?

____________________________________________________________

Taglist: @s6onder @therealloopylupin2099 @spiderrinn @l0starl @daydreaming-en-pointe

[shezamaverick]

25 Years of Black Sails

Into and Out of the Sunset

By: Davey Havok

Not long before the final tour of the A Fire Inside EP, a mutual friend asked Mark what type of AFI record he planned on writing to follow our third full-length. His earnest reply: “Unlistenable. Something everyone will hate.” Though this was the type of chaos I would have certainly supported, he never said this to me. He’d stopped speaking to me sometime in the fall of ‘98. Jade took his place shortly thereafter.

The first time I wrote with Jade was in my room beneath the stairs at the defunct frat house that AFI lived in at the time.* That evening in 1998, promptly at our scheduled hour, a knock came upon my thick wooden door. I opened it with an anticipatory smile and nod. “What’s up man?” Jade walked into the shadows of my ill-lit room carrying his acoustic guitar. My mattress and boxspring, set under the flight of stairs leading to the third floor, was the only place to sit. Our new guitarist sat on its edge. I sat on the floor with my microcassette recorder, facing him. The room was scented of cheap vanilla candles. Peter Murphy stared at me from a poster behind our new guitarist. I was excited. Jade was then and is now one of the greatest songwriters I’ve known. My band of seven years was about to begin its metamorphosis. “So, I was thinking,” he offered. “I miss the melodic stuff in AFI. How about we add some of that back in? Nothing crazy, just a bit.” As genuinely ready as I’d have been for Mark’s repellant HXC vision to take AFI down a path that forked toward cacophonous supernova (or 2024 Taco Bell commercials?) I felt Jade’s as well. Limiting myself to screaming limited my abilities of emoting and evocation as well. It was becoming unfulfilling and suffocating.

Jade picked up his acoustic, strummed some chords, and in falsetto sang, “We all begin to burn…” He’d come prepared with these parts and I was immediately hooked. Working from the scratch lyric intended to act as a gang callout, I expounded with conceptual responses and so came the rest of Malleus Maleficarum. I believe some weathered copy of the tome itself had been lying about my room—if not, some witchy text that referenced it. Malleus was the first song we’d ever written together. I can recall our writing of Clove Smoke Catharsis and God Called in Sick Today in that tiny dark room as well. With those tracks, I felt certain our next record was going to be well beyond anything I’d ever thought I would have been capable of being a part of. I was utterly inspired. In our latest writing sessions together, 25 years later, I’ve felt beyond this. What a luxury.

During that late '90s East Bay winter Jade, Hunter, Adam and I put BSITS together in our tiny Oakland practice pad, off 20th, then tracked it with Andy at the Art Of Ears in Hayward. I shredded my voice during my allotted two days of time, screaming out 15 tracks that defiantly sat steadfast at the top of my range. Oh, but to have my 23-year-old healing powers back.

Weeks later, I pulled the advanced master from the mail and squirreled to my parking space by the dumpsters behind the frat house. Sat in the faded burgundy upholstery of my driver seat, I slid the cassette into my ’83 Accord’s silver player and depressed the play button. Click. Adam’s ominous preface to Strength Through Wounding began. The gang of Skinhead Rob, Fritch, and our buddy Dan followed the warlike beat. Then came the impure chant, ominously brooding through my crackling speakers with all the blasphemous piety I’d hoped. I was so happy with what we’d made.

When Dexter Holland, singer of The Offspring and owner of the label we were on at the time, first heard Black Sails in the Sunset he told our A&R guy, “I don’t get it.” Commercially, this wasn’t a great sign. Artistically, it was affirming.

Be they pretty fly, or even barely fly, BSITS did alienate a lot of fans (as had Shut Your Mouth and every record thereafter), but with it we gained more fans who were ready to join us on the ever jagging sonic journey we’d begun. My look at the time was arguably even more confronting than the relatively unorthodox sounds of Black Sails. The rigid regulations of the extremely masculine ’90s hardcore scene didn’t make much room for a singer in whiteface, black lipstick, fishnet, and PVC. Philosophically this remains unacceptable to me. Our fierce and fabulous ancestors gave us our glitter. I’ll leave you with one of the more delightful heckle memories from the unparalleled Life on the Ropes Tour with Sick of It All, Hot Water Music and Indecision:

INTERIOR: a compact second story theatre, packed with hundreds of hardcore kids. AFI is onstage somewhere in the midwest. Clouds of fog spill over the carmine valance as Jade begins the opening riff to their final song. God Called in Sick Today whispers to life as your author crouches in the crawling billows, his vinyl pants reflecting red light into the baffled eyes of dreadlocked white boys in capacious corduroy JNCOs and commodious VOD tees. They impatiently await the NYC legends, SOIA.

A heckle bursts through the gentle riff. “Let’s go, Trent Reznor!”

Your author rolls his heavily shadowed, lined, and mascaraed eyes. How elementary, he thinks. The opening riff continues.

“Come on, Peter Murphy!”

Begrudgingly impressed by the boor’s finer reference, your author’s plucked brows slightly raise with imperceptible surprise. He gives the heckler no acknowledgment, remaining in the song. The opening line of the verse is seconds away when the boy barks,

“Ok, Count Chocula!”

Grinning, your author chuckles for the first and last time ever before singing, “Let’s admire the pattern forming…”

25 years later, the pattern continues to shift.

[betweenthetimeandsound]

Recently, I've gotten into Chen Li's (陈粒）music. Her debut album, 如也, is a work of beauty, and she has an ethereal voice mixed with down to earth production. 《历历万象》 exemplifies that, with its thoughtful lyrics on life and its search for meaning.

歌词/Lyrics:

她住在七月的洪流上 --洪流（hong2liu2): a powerful current, a flood 天台倾倒理想一万丈 --万丈(wan4zhang4): ten thousand fathoms (lit.), bottomless 她午睡在北风仓皇途经的芦苇荡 --仓皇(cang1huang2): in a panic, flurried --途径(tu2jing1): to pass by, by way of --芦苇(lu2wei3): reed 她梦中的草原白茫茫 --白茫茫(bai2mang2mang2): a vast expanse of white 列车搭上悲欢去辗转 --辗转(zhan3zhuan3): to toss and turn, to indirectly, to wander 她遍尝了每个异乡限时赠送的糖 --限时(xian4shi2): limited time --赠送(zeng4song4): to present as a gift

如果我站在朝阳上 能否脱去昨日的惆怅 --朝阳（chao2yang2)/(zhao1yang2): to be exposed to the sun/morning sun --惆怅(chou2chang4): melancholy, depression 单薄语言能否传达我所有的牵挂 --单薄（dan1bo2): frail, weak --牵挂 (qian1gua4): to be worried about, to be concerned about 若有天我不复勇往 能否坚持走完这一场 踏遍万水千山总有一地故乡 --万水千山(wan4shui3qian1shan1): thousands of waters and mountains (lit), a long and difficult road

城市慷慨亮整夜光 --慷慨（kai1kang3): fervent, generous 如同少年不惧岁月长 她想要的不多只是和别人的不一样 烛光倒影为我添茶 相逢太短不等茶水凉 --相逢（xiang1feng2): to meet by chance, to come across 你扔下的习惯还顽强活在我身上 --顽强 (wan2qiang2): tenacious, hard to defeat

如果我站朝阳上 能否脱去昨日的惆怅 单薄语言能否传达我所有的牵挂 若有天我不复勇往 能否坚持走完这一场 踏遍万水千山总有一地故乡

她走在马蹄的余声中 --马蹄（ma3ti1): horseshoe 夕阳燃烧离别多少场 她向陌生人们解说陌生人的风光 等她归来坐下对我讲 故人旧时容颜未沧桑 我们仍旧想要当初想要的不一样

翻译/Translation:

She lives on July's flood; the rooftops topple ideals into the depths. She takes a nap on a reed washed away, with the north wind passing in a panic. The grasslands in her dreams are all in white; on the train, sadness and joy goes out to wander. She once tried every limited edition candy, given from foreign lands.

If I stand on the sunrise, is it possible to throw off yesterday's depression? Could frail words transmit all of my worries? If one day I don't courageously resume going forward, could I persist in this phase? Stepping through a long and winding road, there's always a home.

The city is generous with all their lights at night, as a child is not afraid of the long years. She doesn't want much; nothing like what other people do-- inversed candle light adds more tea for me. The meeting is too short to wait for a lot of tea; the habits you've dropped are hard to beat--they live on my body.

If I stand on the sunrise, is it possible to throw off yesterday's depression? Could frail words transmit all of my worries? If one day I don't courageously resume going forward, could I persist in this phase? Stepping through a long and winding road, there's always a home.

She walks on a horseshoe with extra sounds; sunset ignites, leaves several scenes behind. She explains to strangers the stranger's landscape, waiting for her to return, sit, and speak to me. In the olden days, the complexions of old friends didn't see many changes; yet what we wanted then is not like what we wanted now.

Translation by Elda Mengisto/孟乐达

[drowninchampain]

lyrics that spoke truth: sokodomo ft. uneducated kid - u.f.o (prod. groovyroom)

[lynnswritings]

Last Kiss

Eddie Munson x GN!Reader

A/N: This was an idea that I've had for a while now, but never found the right time to write it... here it is after a week of sitting blank! I almost cried while writing this so have fun? I guess.

Word Count (With Lyrics): 2.4k

Warnings: Angst, tw Depression(?) possibly, Lots of tears, let me know if I missed anything

I still remember the look on your face Lit through the darkness at 1:58 The words that you whispered for just us to know You told me you loved me So why did you go away? Away

It was a cold winter night, you had stayed the night at Eddie’s while your dad was out of town for a few weeks. You couldn’t sleep, rolling over to glance at the digital clock sitting on Eddie’s bedside table. The clock read 1:58 AM in bright red numbers. Feeling you shifting around, Eddie woke, quietly mumbling, “What’re ya doin’ sweetheart?”

“Sorry, couldn’t sleep,” you whispered back.

“D’ya wanna talk ‘bout it?” Eddie was still half asleep, but he’d do anything if it would make you feel better.

You gently shook your head, “Not really, go back to sleep baby,” you said as you lightly traced his face.

He closed his eyes, “M’kay, I love you sweetheart. You know that, right?”

You couldn’t hold back your giggle, “Yeah, Eds, I know. I love you too.”

You snuggled in close, tucking your head underneath Eddie’s chin, the weight of his arms securing you against his body.

I do recall now, the smell of the rain Fresh on the pavement I ran off the plane That July ninth, the beat of your heart It jumps through your shirt I can still feel your arms

It had been almost a year since you had been in Hawkins, going out of state for college wasn’t something you really agreed with, but with the deaths and disappearances over the last few years your dad didn’t give you a choice. It was raining when the plane landed, you couldn’t wait any longer and rushed to get your things and off the plane, almost running to baggage claim when you saw him. 

His signature black ripped jeans, long shaggy hair, and ring clad fingers. Without hesitation you launched yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck as he squeezed your waist.

The two of you were pressed against each other to the point where you could feel his heartbeat through his shirt. You thought you felt it skip a beat as he spoke, “I missed you like crazy,” he pulled away just enough to look in your eyes, his arms holding you in place, “You’re not allowed to leave for that long ever again. Understand? I don’t care what your dad says.”

You nodded, a giant smile on your face as you said, “Don’t worry, I won’t let him.”

Eddie gave you another squeeze before letting you go so you could collect your things, hoping that this summer would be a lazy one with your friends and family.

But now I'll go Sit on the floor, wearing your clothes All that I know is I don't know How to be something you miss

You were sitting on your bedroom floor at your dad's house, still not sure if you were in a terrible nightmare, or if this was your new reality. You were wearing Eddie’s Hellfire shirt, curled up in a ball, head tucked into your knees as tears continuously streamed down your face with no signs of stopping anytime soon.

I never thought we'd have a last kiss Never imagined we'd end like this Your name, forever the name on my lips

Eddie was laying on the ground, blood covering his neck and torso as you ran to him, not sure what you were going to see. You slowed your pace as you approached. Kneeling, you placed Eddie’s head in your lap.

“E-Eddie?” You could feel the sting of tears as they welled up in your eyes, you took in the sight of Eddie.

“(Y/N)?” His eyes slowly trailed to you.

“Hey,” you sniffled, “Hey baby, we’re gonna getcha outta here, okay?”

You could hear him struggle as he choked out: “Okay,” after a pause he continued, “I didn’t run away this time right?”

Tears were leaving streaks down your face, washing away the dirt and grime of the Upside Down, as you whispered, “No, you didn’t run away.”

His breaths were getting shallow, you didn’t know how much longer he had left, but it wouldn’t be enough, “Good. ‘Cause I’m actually gonna graduate. I think it’s finally my year. We can go wherever we want sweetheart.”

You nodded, tears falling from your face onto Eddie’s. You leaned down, scrunching your eyes closed as you softly pressed your lips to his. Not wanting to forget even a single detail of him.

You whispered a final, “I love you Eds,” as his eyes became unfocused and glassy. You felt the moment that his body went limp, a strangled “NO!” echoing around you.

I do remember the swing of your step The life of the party, you're showing off again And I'd roll my eyes and then you'd pull me in I'm not much for dancing, but for you, I did Because I love your handshake, meeting my father I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

Somehow you had convinced Eddie to go to this party with you. You wanted to go to catch up with friends when Eddie decided to become the main event. He was doing business selling weed to whoever was desperate enough and making a scene by being his overdramatic self. 

That’s when you felt a tug on your arm, “Come and dance with me sweetheart,” the smile on his face was infectious. You rolled your eyes as he led you through a few dances, pulling you closer with every move, the music and atmosphere getting to you. 

Eddie had met your father only once, as you walked into the house you announced your presence. Your dad was taller than Eddie, which must’ve intimidated him from the look that the metalhead gave you. He masked his fear and stuck his hand out, “It’s nice to meet you sir, I’m Eddie Munson, (Y/N)’s boyfriend.”

Your father took Eddie’s hand, “Well, it’s finally nice to put a face to the name. (Y/N) won’t stop talking about you.”

Eddie laughed, “Only good things I hope.”

You were waiting for Eddie to meet you at the picnic table in the woods behind the football field. You heard a noise like a stick being snapped in half, when you looked up, you saw Eddie walking with his head down and hands in the pockets of his jeans. As he approached, you stood, meeting him halfway.

“Hey handsome, why do you look so mopey today? Y’know I thought me coming here would be a gre-”

You were cut off by Eddie placing his lips on yours, a gentle thing that ended as soon as it began. “I hate when you do that. You do know that, right?” You interrogated.

He just smiled, “Yeah, but I can’t help it. You’re just too beautiful, sweetheart.”

And I'll go Sit on the floor, wearing your clothes All that I know is I don't know How to be something you miss

You were still curled up wearing Eddie’s shirt as memories, good and bad, played through your mind like a greatest hits reel. There’s no way that he was gone, he couldn't be. He hadn’t even graduated, let alone got the chance to get away from lazy little Hawkins. There was so much you wanted to do with him, that you can’t do with him. The shirt still smelled like him.

I never thought we'd have a last kiss I never imagined we'd end like this Your name, forever the name on my lips

You didn’t know how long you sat there in the Upside Down for. You couldn’t let go of Eddie’s body. You continued sobbing, cradling Eddie as your tears spilled onto his bandana that was wrapped around his head.

You sniffled, “Eddie? Eddie, come back. Please. Please come back. I ca-can’t do this without you. Please, Eddie, I love you.” You kissed the top of his head, then his temple, his cheek, until you reached his lips, letting your lips linger on his, hoping that it could somehow bring him back to life.

You tried to clean the blood off of his face, “I’ll never forget you, never,” you couldn’t tell if the promise was for him or for yourself, but you still believed it. As long as you lived you would always remember Edward Wayne Munson. Even if no one else would.

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe And I'll keep up with our old friends Just to ask them how you are Hope it's nice where you are And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed You can plan for a change in the weather and time But I never planned on you changing your mind

You had found a stack of polaroids of you and Eddie that you had saved over the years together. Most of them weren’t that good, either out of focus or not framed quite right, but they were yours. They were the memories that you would never part with. The only thing you had left to remind you of what Eddie looked like before everything went to hell in a handbasket. Before he was accused of murder, before he ran, before any of this supernatural Upside Down nonsense was even on your radar.

Even with the pictures it was getting harder and harder to remember him, his voice: Was it deeper? Was there a certain lilt to it? Did ‘sweetheart’ actually sound like that? You couldn’t remember. 

His hands: Were they really that warm? Did the rings he wore go on certain fingers? It all felt like it was slipping away.

You still talked to the Hellfire Club, especially Dustin, Mike, and Lucas. The three boys who actually dealt with the Upside Down, that knew about all of the dangers. Because they were also grieving the loss of their friend Max, but at least she was in the hospital. There was actually a body if she didn’t make it. To prove that it actually happened.

Steve and Robin were who you talked to the most though. Having classes with them yourself, and them in turn having classes with Eddie. They were around for most of his antics and outbursts over the years. It was hard on them, even though they weren’t very close with the metalhead, it still hurt. Maybe not as much as it hurt you, but they tried to be understanding.

The only thing you could hope for was that he was somewhere better, maybe he was partying with some rockstars he had admired. You knew that had to be better than Hawkins. The sun hidden behind clouds as the town was split into quarters, the Upside Down merging with regular old Hawkins. Vecna was still on the loose, there were too many loose ends, too much pain and suffering. 

You still couldn’t believe what he had done, sacrificing himself for a town that labeled him a freak and a monster. A town that went on a manhunt for him over a false accusation. 

Every time you close your eyes that moment repeats: You and Dustin had made it back through the gate, both of you encouraging Eddie to climb back through. He reached for the spear, cut the sheets that connected both sides and ran back through the door of the trailer in the Upside Down.

So, I'll go Sit on the floor, wearing your clothes All that I know is I don't know How to be something you miss

The Hellfire shirt still smelled like him; like cigarettes, his cheap cologne, and something that was as unique as Eddie himself. You still sat there, unable to move from your place on the floor, staring at pictures from a life you can’t get back. He was gone, and there was nothing you could’ve done to prepare yourself for this. 

The ache in your chest wasn’t what hurt the most. It was the fact that you wouldn’t get any more time; no more late night talks, no more dances, no more Eddie. And you didn’t know if there was any way to emotionally recover from the what ifs and loss.

I never thought we'd have a last kiss Never imagined we'd end like this Your name, forever the name on my lips

Numbness. That was all you could feel as you sat there, running your fingers through his hair, his head still in your lap. The tears on your face had dried, leaving streaks down your face. That’s when they found you; Steve, Nancy, and Robin were on their way back from the Creel House when they stumbled upon you hunched over Eddie’s lifeless body.

Steve was the one to speak up, “(Y/N)... we have to go, Vecna won. He got Max.”

You shook your head, “No, I’m not leaving him here. Eddie deserves a proper burial,” you whispered, “Don’t make me leave him here. Please Steve.”

He sighed, “We have to go,” Steve attempted to grab your arm and move you away from Eddie’s body.

You ducked and tucked yourself closer to Eddie as tears started running down your face once again. After a few minutes of arguing with Steve he gave in, “Fine, say your goodbyes, then we’re leaving… and we’re not lugging him with us.”

The girls and Steve gave you space to make your final goodbye to the boy who would always have your heart. “I have to go now, Eds but I love you, okay?” you took a shaky breath, “No matter what, I will always love you.” You leaned down pressing one last tender kiss to his forehead which had started to lose color, looking paler than he had before.

You got up, turning to get one last glimpse of the boy who had died for a town that hated him. Who died and took your heart with him.

Just like our last kiss Forever the name on my lips Forever the name on my lips Just like our last

[igotthecinema]

HS3 - Harry’s House

First Time Listen

Music for sushi restaurant: it's a fucking bop. the production is so elite and sound is so different. Gonna blast it when it's released. the phone record voice of harry always amazes me

Late night talking: it's a love song. he has expertise in it. "late night talking- Staying out 'til sunrise - Share a single bed and tell each other what we dream about" are same The  vowels stress and dragging is what makes this song stand out. the music change in chorus is so dope.

Grapejuice: this man has a serious obsession with fruits. the vocals are so perfect and the voice change in song is so different and unique. doesn't sound like a phone record. I expected he’s gonna pull kiwi or watermelon sugar, but this tune sounds nothing like them. the end beats of the song are so fucking addictive. I wonder what instrument it is.

Daylight: classic harry writing is what this is. i feel like this is another version of IICF like someone said. the outro is so good and the production of this song is so OFFENSIVE

Little Freak: BLUE-GREEN. jealous harry is shown in this song writing. such a soft song and clearly in writing we can see feel insecure. such a good song.

Matilda: the soft yet high voice of harry voice is killing me. can cure my depression whenever I listen to it. he softly killed me with this song. The rock guitar and acoustic guitar are blended so well together

Cinema: A bop, fucking bop. this is gonna be used in movies/series soon mark my words. the beats to bridge are so classy and addictive. the bridge is so ELITE. those high notes in background, he is killing me with his vocals.

Daydream: babapapapa... babapappaaaa. this is a sex song. cute sex song. the background vocals are serving. again the bridge beats and vocals are ELITE.

Keep driving: the beats are so so so good. lyrics are so domestic. sounds so quarantine domestic to me.

Satellite: with starting few beats i was entranced in this song. my favourite already. the beat drop is so new and good. the synth after the bridge, what? that's so fucking good. I never expected the beat drop and change and here i am after a listen saying this is my top 1

Boyfriends: the live version is so soft and acoustic, but the studio version is so lit. the reverse at the start is so dope and new. dramatic harry pulled out a scenario and has written boyfriends for louis. but it could be also about him at some lines. the lyrics are so offensive. how does he get to do that?

Love of my life: screams so domestic to me. also quarantine writing for sure. classic harry declaring his love of his life. the trailer has the same music as this song does. damn him!!

[bananaofswifts]

4 STARS

By Kate Solomon

On one of her most personally revealing albums yet, Taylor Swift invites us into a woozy, soft-focus world of self doubt and moonlit conversations. Midnights sounds and feels like a grown-up sequel to the synthy, ‘80s pop world of 1989; she is no longer the wide-eyed ingenue twirling onto the New York streets but a hardened adult with all the self-awareness (and liberal swearing) that goes with it.

Though her most recent albums were the folksy, National-adjacent Folklore and Evermore, this is dark pop, moody and vibey, made for listening to on late-night walks through big cities.

Perhaps the most concentrated hit of what Midnights is about can be found in the Lana Del Rey collaboration “Snow on the Beach”. It’s a richly reverent song of breathy vocals and harmonies that don’t quite resolve in the way you expect them to. Swift borrows Del Rey’s tendency to dig around in the very worst of her psyche, throughout. She sounds, more than anything, unsettled.

Midnights’ lyrics, which are as wordy as a 1975 record, nod towards self-loathing and frustration with the ways she is perceived. “I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say,” she breathes at the top of her register on “Lavender Haze”; “The 1950s shit they want from me.”

On “Anti-Hero”, she sings about her depression while also immortalising the line, “Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I’m a monster on the hill”, proving that no matter how much she matures she will always be a little bit cringe (and good for her). Disordered eating, narcissism and a life-long Machiavellian scheme to trick people into liking her also get a look in – it sounds like a therapy session but without the gentle probing into where or why these behaviours exist. After all, she sings, “I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror” on “Anti-Hero”; oblivion is preferable to resolution.

The saddest and most emotionally affecting track here is “You’re On Your Own Kid”. Swift sounds resigned to the mistreatment and rejection she’s suffering at the hands of a lover. The desperate actions of a woman trying to love a man who shows her no care are rendered in verses that tumble into each other and a quiet, driving beat like a pulse running slightly too fast.

The problem with the consistently washed-out, reverb heavy production – courtesy in part of Swift’s long-time collaborator Jack Antonoff – is that the svelte 13-song album tends to run together into one long sigh. Even the Billie Eilish inspired “Vigilante Shit” (a perfect song for those of us in our revenge eras) does little to rise above the dimly lit, downbeat vibe of the record. It tails off, too, as she dissolves into the comfortable terrain of her happy relationship on “Sweet Nothing”; she must be capable of a new and more interesting way to express her romantic contentment than this twinkly, mawkish ballad.

The message of Midnights seems to be that you can get everything you ever wanted, but if you’re left with a self you struggle to love then it can feel like you have nothing at all. Romantic love, karma and success are all well and good, but lying awake raking over every awful thing you’ve ever said or done comes for us all. At least with Midnights, Swift has given us the ideal soundtrack for it.

Songs to stream: You’re On Your Own Kid, Anti-Hero, Lavender Haze

[daisysgardenthoughts]

Who killed HipHop?

Recently Cardi B spoke during a livestream about the lack of “club music” being played in the club, and instead of songs made with the intention to party and have fun, it is instead filled with “depressing music and saying, “they all wanna die”. Whether she is referring to emo rap or street rap we can unfortunately agree that in recent years there has been a wave of rappers rapping about death in one way or another. We went from rappers like Juice wrld and xxxtentacion rapping about their declining mental health and need to self-medicate, to rappers like lil Durk and NBA YoungBoy rapping about street violence and their unending cycle of retaliation for their “dead homies”. One thing both have in common is an overarching theme of depression on a lively beat.

Growing up in the south in the 2000s most of the rap I heard was party music, listening to rappers like Trick daddy, Plies, Ludacris, and the Ying Yang twins, you could see that outside of a “thug holiday” and “100 years” the music I actively listened to were club songs. Songs that made you want to “throw it back” but now as a woman in her early twenties most of those songs are one, made by women like Cardi B, Megan thee stallion, and the City girls, and two ridiculed for not being “real rap”. When I think about all of the “hottest rappers” now they are pretty much all street rap. Which makes me question, why are they so popular?

I believe it is because a lot of people only like music that perpetuates aesthetics that feature a lifestyle they want to live but don’t for one reason or another. Like the great Andre 3000 once famously said “y’all don’t wanna hear me, you just wanna dance”. Look at albums by popular rappers that “flopped” to see how it’s a true statement. Two years after releasing what non cole fans dubbed as the “best cole album” 2014 Forest Hills Drive, J. cole released 4 Your Eyes Only. This album featured slow melodies with thought provoking and heartfelt/ sincere lyrics, and it was seen by casual cole fans as the worst album ever and coles “fall off”, while also saying it didn’t have that signature “cole sound”. What I think made them hate it so much, no trap beat. The most streamed song from 2014 FHD was “No Role Modelz” with over a billion streams, the next with 700 million is “Wet Dreamz” and “G.O.M.D” with over 400 million. While the other songs have somewhere between 40 to 200 million, you can tell when people go to the album they only want to hear the “lit” songs. Even J. cole himself knew, in the song “G.O.M.D” during the second verse he says “this is the part that the thugs skip” before talking about the love he’s never felt before.

You could also see this in the height of the “clout rap/ soundcloud rap” era, where it felt like all of these “lil” whatevers were popping up out of nowhere to rap about how sad they were and their drug codependency. Once their audiences grew out of their “xanny” phase these rappers, if they hadn’t overdosed yet, watched as they were discarded by casual rap fans for the next trendy rap style, which was street rap. But these cycles will always continue. A style of rap will become mainstream, people who don’t lose anything from these dangerous lifestyles will instigate (see random people in lil durks comments telling him to avenge king von or a fan giving lil peep drugs that would ultimately kill him), and when something unfortunate happens like prison or worse death. These fans are able to move on because they realistically lost nothing. Personally, I believe this is also why R&B is “dead”. Artist singing about pain in strife to a beat that would force you to listen to the lyrics, people hate that. When you sit back and listen to these songs, they’re sad.

Another rapper relentlessly criticized for his change in sound is Chance the rapper, who has “fans” saying things like they miss when he was on drugs because “his music was better”. To any normal person seeing someone sober, alive and happy, would be celebrated, but not within art. There was a popular post on tumblr about Van Gogh that said ““if van gogh had antidepressants, we wouldn’t have his artwo-” we’d have a lot more of his work, karen, and who the f**k cares about what we get from him he deserved to be well, karen”. This quote really hits my point home, fans have removed the rappers from their humanity. They see them as objects for their viewing pleasure and that’s it. If they die or get locked up, it means nothing to them to move on to the next rapper and the rapper after that. So, no I don’t blame the rappers for using art as a medium to speak about their struggles and their lives, I blame casual viewers who use their pain to get their fill of drama or material to cosplay.

Fans killed hip hop.

[deathinfire-blog1]

I hate everything. I hate everything. We are not the same. I can feel no pain.

Ghostmane - John Dee

[language-dragon]

Jack's Lament from The Nightmare Before Christmas - Песня Джека из Кошмар перед Рождеством

Russian Vocab List for Песня Джека

Сравни́ться (perf, impf сра́вниваться) - to equal (in), to match (in); to compare (with)

При́знанный - acknowledged, recognized, avowed

Ремесло́ (n) - trade, craft (skilled practice); handicraft

У́жас (m) - horror, terror; disaster, mess

Наводи́ть (impf, perf навести́) - to direct (at), to aim (at), to point (at); to introduce, bring, produce, make, cause

Немо́й - dumb, mute 

Храбре́ц (m) - brave man

Хвасту́н (m) - boaster, braggart

Глупе́ц (m) - fool, blockhead

Колоти́ть (impf, perf поколоти́ть) - to knock, to strike, to bang; to drum; to beat, to thrash; to break; (impersonal) to shake, to make someone shudder

Ме́лкий - small, tiny, little, minute; insignificant, petty, minor 

Дрожь (f) - trembling, shiver, shivering; vibration

Обраща́ть (impf, perf обрати́ть) - to turn; to direct; to turn into

При́зрак (m) - ghost, phantom, specter

Удиви́тельно - extremely; astonishingly, surprisingly

Пуга́ть (impf, perf испуга́ть or напуга́ть or пугну́ть) - to frighten, to scare

Печа́ль (f) sadness, grief, sorrow 

Пройти́ (perf, impf проходи́ть) - to pass, to go, to walk; to pass by

Повели́тель (m) - sovereign, master (owner of an animal or slave) 

Ты́ква (f) - pumpkin; gourd

Ненави́деть (impf, perf возненави́деть) - to hate

Ривы́кнуть (perf, imperfective привыка́ть) - to get used to, to get accustomed to

Душа́ (f) - soul; spirit 

Тоска́ (f) - melancholy, depression; boredom, ennui, weariness

Даль (f) distance

Разорва́ть (perf, impf разрыва́ть or рвать) - to tear apart/asunder, to tear up; to sever, to break (ties), to rend 

Поро́чный - immoral, vicious, depraved, wanton; faulty, defective, flawed, fallacious

Му́ка (f) pain, anguish, torment, suffering, torture; ordeal

Изве́стен - known, familiar; well-known, renowned, famous

Кошма́р (m) - nightmare; from French cauchemar

Крыло́ (n) - wing; sail (of a windmill)

У́хнуть (perf, impf у́хать) - to crash, to bang; to hoot; to squander

Мёртвый - dead, lifeless

Да́же - even

Оска́л (m) - grin, bared teeth

Стра́шный - terrible, scary

Потусторо́нний (m) мир - the afterlife; the underworld (lit. supernatural, otherworldly world) 

Жаль (predicative) - [with the subject in the dative] pities, to be sorry. In Повелителю тыкв самому себя жаль, самому is the dative subject, and себя is genitive, meaning Jack feels sorry for himself

Тяжёлый - heavy; difficult, hard; laborious

Сла́ва (f) glory; fame, reputation

Ми́лый - dear, sweet (having a pleasing disposition)

Уны́лый - gloomy, depressing, bleak 

Сжечь (perf, impf жечь or сжига́ть) - to burn, to burn up

Тло (n) (obsolete) floor, ground; base, bottom

Свети́ть (impf, perf посвети́ть or засвети́ть or освети́ть) - to shine; to give someone light

Грудь (f) - chest; breast, bosom

Почёт (m) - honour, esteem, respect

Вы́сший свет (m)  - upper crust, high society 

Всё ни о чём - it’s all for nothing

Наде́жда (f) - hope, expectation, prospect

See the full lyrics under the break 

В э́том ми́ре никто́ не сравни́тся со мной - There is no one in this world that compares to me При́знан лу́чшим я в своём ремесле́ - I am acknowledged as the master in my craft У́жас я навожу́ под немо́ю луно́й - I inspire horror under the quiet moon  На любо́го из живу́щих на земле́ - In every living thing on the Earth

Сто́лько ви́дел храбрецо́в, хвастуно́в, глупцо́в - I've met so many courageous men, braggers, and fools Колоти́ла их ме́лкая дрожь - I made them shiver a little В бе́гство я обраща́л и дете́й и отцо́в - I’ve sent both children and their fathers on the run Я как при́зрак удиви́тельно хоро́ш - I am incredibly good as a ghost

Так за го́дом в год я пуга́л наро́д - So year after year I scare people А в душе́ печа́ль так и жизнь пройдёт - But there is grief in my soul while my life goes on Я Джек! Повели́тель тыкв! - I am Jack! The Pumpkin King Ненави́жу всё к чему́ привы́к - I hate everything I've come to know

В мое́й душе́ одна́ печа́ль - I have a sorrow in my soul С тоско́й гляжу́ в ночну́ю даль - Depressed I look into the distance of the night Не разорва́ть поро́чный круг - Not breaking the vicious circle Куда́ бежа́ть от э́тих мук? - Where could I run from all this pain? 

Я изве́стен везде́, я кошма́р в темноте́ - They know me everywhere, I'm the nightmare in the darkness Я тот у́жас на кры́льях но́чи - I am the horror on the wings of the night У́хнув и́з-за плеча́, я пуга́л англича́н - Making a noise behind their back, I scared the English И францу́зов и не́мцев и про́чих - and the French and the Germans and yet others

Как и все, кто мертвы́, да́же без головы́ - And like all who are dead, even without a head Я по па́мяти цити́рую Шекспи́ра - I cite Shakespeare by heart У люде́й, у звере́й нет оска́ла страшне́й - Neither people nor beasts have such a frightening grin Я коро́ль потусторо́ннего ми́ра - I am the king of the underworld

Но кто здесь поймёт мою́ печа́ль? - but who here will understand my grief Повели́телю тыкв самому́ себя́ жаль - The Pumpkin King has a pity for himself И коро́на тяжела́, и сла́ва не ми́ла - And the crown is heavy and the glory is not sweet Свой уны́лый мир я бы сжёг до тла... - I would burn my sad world to the ground...

Что све́тит там в конце́ пути́? - What is shining there at the end of the road?  Одна́ тоска́ в мое́й гру́ди - A single sadness in my chest Прести́ж, почёт и вы́сший свет - Prestige, respect and high society Всё ни о чём, наде́жды нет - It’s all for nothing, there is no hope 

🎃🎃🎃

[mochikeiji]

Rockabye, My Love

↠ Pairing: Akaashi Keiji x Reader

↠ Warning: slight fluff, soft father/daughter moments, angst. Trigger Warning: mentions of death, depression.

↬ Word Count: 2.3k

Summary: Every lyrics had a deeper meaning in them than just words that'll fit a song. Yours was heavier than anyone could think of, and Akaashi was singing it to his beloved baby girl.

↣ a/n: ohayo world! I'm sorry for late posts, expect the upcoming ones soon. School was giving too much works again. Thank you all for loving my Day 2 fic in Akaashi Week!! Also, the lullaby in this lyrics is the same tune as Isabella's Lullaby from The Promised Neverland.

⇢ Day 3: Single Parent AU

"Love, don't you worry too much,

You're doing fine.

You are the most precious thing I have loved.

I will never allow the cruel world to take you— away nor hurt you any more.

I will sing you this song when the world, caves on.

You'll be fine, I will never leave you.

You are the most beautiful thing that has came.

I will protect you forever, my love."

Life is difficult in many ways. It's either we were born different, have lost someone dear or have lost ourselves. It's no wonder how millions of people from all around the world, evert second, minute, hour— someone gives up on everything. It was cruel, disturbing, most of all heart breaking.

Akaashi never understood your true intentions. He was one hundred percent sure he had kept an eye on you at all cost. He's made you smile brighter, he's understood you more than anyone. He made you feel alive.

Yet now you ended up being dead to your own inner demons.

He remembers coming home after receiving good news from his company. He had received a promotion and a week off just for you. That was when the hospital had contacted him. He can recall his ragged breathing when he was allowed to place a foot in your room. Your monitor beating in an ever agonizingly slow rhythm, he knew it wasn't normal and immediately ran to your side.

He wanted to yell, scream, ask you why, why did you do this to yourself but he couldn't, not when you looked at him so scared and weak. The doctors had told him that he had only a few minutes with his wife, the drugs you've intake was too much, not everything was removed nor pumped out of your system. Akaashi never felt so depressed in all his life after that situation as he buried himself into your chest, listening to your lullabies that soon died down along with the light in your eyes.

That was the only reminisces he's had with you,the lullaby you would sing to yourself as a teen who strived to survive the world, a lullaby for his anxieties and own demons to be tamed, and the last thing you ever said. He was happy that over the years before your death, you had given him a customized music box that had the right notes of your song, only this time no one was singing it.

Fingers tapping anxiously on his work table, Akaashi started to fiddle with his thumb and then his index, losing his focus despite looking at the same drafted page lit up on his computer screen. He kept eyeing the pack of cigarettes that was just on the edge of his window— he needed one right now. Cigarettes were the last options he has for when he couldn't calm his beating heart or let his emotions out. But he knows how wrong it was to be damaging his health, and he knows he's going to get an earful from Bokuto since he visits his apartment every weekend. Even if Akaashi tries to hide his dirty deeds, Bokuto wasn't stupid to read through his eyes like before.

Foot was starting to bounce, his eyebrows were beginning to furrow, as if he was irritated, in trouble, or something. It wss getting harder for him, who wouldn't after losing their wife? The person he's loved since his teen years, the one he's vowed to never make her feel like how she did in the past. He failed you. He blames himself for all that matter, if he's added more precautions, maybe you'd still be here.

He bites his lips and whimpers, hands ruffling through his tossled hair and holding his head as his elbows were supporting him on the table. Everything was closing in once more, the walls to his workspace became suffocating, how he wishes one of his friends or yours would come knocking at his door even though it was already 2:30 am knowing how reckless he's getting. He swore he wasn't going to die sooner as you did. He promised to himself to let you and his memories live on, because once he dies, no one will ever remember the battles you've fought for, the good things you've done to many, and the love you've shared with him throughout the years.

"It's so hard without you, love.."

Eyes finally cracking with tears behind his glasses, he lets them stream down his face with his body shaking on his chair. Soon enough he was bound to get another headache from extreme emotion and will probably lay the whole day about it. But none of that mattered to him anymore.

He just wanted you back.

But his cries weren't the only ones that can be heard in his apartment.

Jolting up to realization, he carelessly wipes away his tears with his sleeves and tumbles our of his chair straight to his room. His heart was beating fast in worry and adrenaline, he thought the source of the crying in his room had been taken away or worse.

But it turns out, it was just his little baby girl crying in lonliness.

As he got closer, her cries were getting deafening, but he didn't mind. Not when his heart was swooning with guilt when he thought of giving up and caving to his own needs when he's forgotten he has a reason to continue on.

With the night lamp on at the side of her crib and his bed, he cooes at the sobbing baby with sweet nothings to catch her attention. Th cries immediately died down and replaced with sniffles and the baby looking up hazily at the dark figure above her.

Smiling, Akaashi carefully picks her up from the crib to cradle her on his chest. Giving her small pats on her back with hush whispers when he feels her stretch on his body.

"Shhh, I'm sorry, were you lonely?"

Grabbing on the string of his lamp shade on the nightstand, he pulls the string, allowing more light to glow in his room, and for his little girl to finally see that she wasn't alone anymore. Akaashi swayed gently as he remained in eye contact with the baby, smiling ever so slightly at the unreadable expression his daughter was possessing and played with her fingers.

"Maybe I should work with you around, you never really like it in the dark, do you, baby?"

His little girl cooes at him, curious of what language he was speaking to her and hopes he understood what she was saying as well. Akaashi's heart swelled at the adorable sound and nuzzled his face softly on her stomach, the baby still confused as ever but just clenches her hands in wonder.

His anxieties and thoughts disappearing in the air whilst he sat down on his bed and held his baby near to where his hesrt was beating. The same day you died, was the same day you had given birth. It was a miracle for the baby to be healthy despite what you had intake. He remembers after your announced death, the nurses had to usher him out, but only to drag him into another room where lies a bassinet and a couple of IV's attached and treatments.

When he got closer, his world was shaken that day. The sight of you and his baby alive and now existing after 9 months of waiting was there right before his eyes. But his heart broke at the thought of him being the only one to raise her, and her not having to meet her beloved mother. He was so emotional that day that he almost lost it when he realizes why she was kept in there and why there were so much stuff in this room. He didn't want to think thag he was losing another one when he had just met her.

The nurses explained that there was nothing wrong with the baby, just taking further check ups and to ensure she was absolutely healthy. He was already been forced outside your room that no longer held light, he wasn't going to leave the room where his daughter was until he holds her in his arms where he knows she'll be at the safest.

As time went by to now, Akaashi feared her growing up in the future. She resembled mostly to you. She was a dead carbon copy of you and he was terrified she'd experience what you have as history might repeat itself. The very thought of his daughter having something inside her little head without telling him scares him, Akaashi knew how cruel the world can be and hoe each second in life matters because we are unaware of the deaths happening at those time.

He prayed his baby girl wouldn't go through what you did as a child and carry it until she grows up. He hopes and believed in his own strength that he wasn't going to fail her this time— that there will be no person by her side and will lovd and protect her other than her daddy.

His tears blocking his vision of her as he held her tightly. He whimpers at remembering his thoughts earlier. He wanted to curse himself from thinking of leaving his daughter to fend for herself in this world and to find a way to be back to you. But he knows he was still with you, your daughter was the last love you could ever give him and he was going to love her more than anything.

The trembling of his body stops when his baby started to cry and squirm in his hold. Her whimpers breaking his heart when he couldn't solve her distress, it seemed like she was in pain and he knew this situation like in the past.

"Shh, shh, I'm here. I'm always here. I'm sorry."

Reciting out the same line he's used when he held you against his body that night. You cried and held a hand to your heart that day as he hugged you tighter. The demons inside you he had curse to go away and leave you alone. But they didn't.

An idea popped in his head and reached out inside his nightstand drawer. The little music box you have crafted for him still looked the same as it was before since it was taken with good care. He proceeded to wind it gently to let the soft tune play as he stood up once more to cradle his crying baby.

"Love, don't you worry too much,

You're doing fine."

He sings the first verse of the long memorized lullaby you sang for him. Using his thumb to wipe away the little tears that had escaped his daughters eyes. Her cries were stopped momentarily and were replaced by sniffles. Her dazed eyes making eye contact with her father's.

"You are the most precious thing I have loved."

Akaashi would be cringing thinking his voice was terrible, but the little girl in his arms seemed to be intrigued and loving the harmonized voice of her daddy and an unknown tune from the background.

His voice was smooth and soft. Completely out of character from his monotone one, but enough to capture the attention of someone.

"I will never allow the cruel world to take you— away nor hurt you any more."

He couldn't tell if he was singing the lullaby to her or he was making a silent vow to her. The lullaby you sang to him for the first time he tried searching for in the internet what the lyrics meant and who wrote it. Sadly, there were no results that came up that day.

And you never really told him how you got that song and who it was referring to in the lyrics.

But nevertheless, the lyrics could never be at the right time as it was now. It felt like he was reminding himself of what his role was from now on and what his daughter should always remember as she grows up.

No one was going to hurt her on her watch.

"I will sing you this song when the world, caves on.

You'll be fine, I will never leave you."

At the end of that line his voice cracks as he held back his own tears. He can hear only now your voice and hoe you would thread his hair during nights of distress. How he missed so many cracks of your voice from being too intrigued with the song. How he missed the fact that you needed him the most those nights of terror, yet you chose to make him feel secure and loved without leaving anything for yourself.

Slowly, his mind was connecting all the lyrics and your actions in his head. You were a self reliant person.

You sang this song in reminder that you were loved, beautiful and was protected by the few people that truly loved you. This song was meant to keep you alive.

To keep him going.

And now

It was a vow from him to his daughter.

"You are the most beautiful thing that has came."

Smiling sadly down to his baby now calmed down and listening intently to her daddy, Akaashi leans down to press kisses on her face with his tears sliding down.

He should've sang this to you when you needed it the most. A reminder of what you truly were to him. He hopes deep inside, somewhere up there or in his room you were listening. Listening to him remind you and his daughter— his world and universe, that he was going to be stronger and fulfill his own promises.

One day he was going to meet you in another life he believed, where he'd make you stay, where you and him will raise your little girl once again and he'll wake up next to you. Where he'll be the one singing this lullaby tune as he hold you both in his arms.

But for now, it was just going to be him and his baby girl.

"I will, protect you. Forever, my love."

[mooosicaldreamz]

We obviously need your song by song analysis of evermore please!

i got asked to do this about four times so here it is.....much anticipated. i know. please note that when i say that i hate her or despise her i don’t actually mean that. but i do

EVERMORE

OK LETS GO

WILLOW - ok, groovy first time you hear it, right? has a strong rumbly wiggle. let’s VIBE. the low of the verse, the high of the chorus…oh my goodness! what is she doing. she’s just out there! wow. “wherever you stray i follow” is a banger. “life was a willow and it bent right to your wind” with the overlay oof let’s go.!!!! a shockingly strong first entry of the record…best one since “welcome to new york” maybe!!! let’s just say it!!! for some reason “i come back stronger than a 90s trend” throws me off though…i don’t know. it’s just so moody pop, no one is doing it like her!!! i hate her

CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS - every time i listen to this song i listen to it four times. not a joke. it’s perfect. i don’t think i need to convince anyone! it’s perfect!!!!! what are you doing? taylor swift, the most dramatic bitch, has been writing dramatic bitch songs since she was fourteen and yet, somehow, she contrives to write even more dramatic things as she ages. this song is a JOKE. there are not ENOUGH songs about denying proposals! it’s just simple and sad. oh my god. it’s insane. the fact that she wrote this with her boyfriend (i have a running theory that they are married, we are going to refer to joe as her Perfect and Glorious Husband from now on) …… come on. the ENTIRE BREAKDOWN. “YOUR MIDAS TOUCH ON THE CHEVY DOOR / NOVEMBER FLUSH YOUR FLANNEL CURE / THIS DORM WAS ONCE A MADHOUSE / I MADE A JOKE WELL ITS MADE FOR ME / HOW EVERGREEN OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS / DON’T THINK WE’LL SAY THAT WORD AGAIN / AND SOON THEY’LL HAVE THE NERVE TO DECK THE HALLS THAT WE ONCE WALKED THROUGH” ……. concluding with that absolute stabby killer “what a shame she’s fucked in the head” oh my god……….. and the song resolving in a very adult “you’ll find someone else” god

GOLD RUSH - ok so like this song is like ok it’s got the same groovy high /low that’s happening on willow but it’s so different! it’s so good! the pulse of the beat propelling the whole thing through and then the falling apart “oh what must it be like to grow up that beautiful”……………..ok. the visceral image of “my eagles t-shirt hanging from the door” …………. i admire very much taylor’s oncoming gift of moving through high/low imagery…… i love her so much? it’s so HARD. “my mind turns your life into folklore” beautiful! BEAUTIFUL! also i have some belief in me that this is about karlie kloss but i shall not dive into that hole.

TIS THE DAMN SEASON - oh so i’m supposed to LIVE with this song EXISTING. WHY!!!! HOW……..oh my god………..taylor was like, yes, i’m going to write a song about a famous girl going home and banging her high school flame for a week and jack and aaron were like oh ok. “i parked my car between the methodist and the school that used to be ours.” she is such a joke. “you could call me babe for the weekend” like ok emo!! emo!!! OK. I LOVE THIS SONG

TOLERATE IT - taylor really gave us the most depressing track 5, but it’s absolutely a banger and i love her! she is just vibing! oh my god. what a specific emotion to pinpoint with this song….it’s such a gift. no one is hitting this space

NO BODY NO CRIME - this song has no business being on this record but in the BEST WAY, like how daddy lessons mysteriously appears in the middle of lemonade. oh my goodness. this is just pure country revenge song. taylor was like oh actually i haven’t forgotten my roots and i hate men more than i ever have. and she got haim to sing with her. and it’s so good. the low “i think he did it” oh my goodness. this song is a joke. how is it real? it’s just a perfect radio song. it reminds me very much of “before he cheats” but it’s a lot more sonically calm

HAPPINESS - similar to “tolerate it” and i think “champagne problems” this song is beating on an emotional bush that is really really hard to hit the head of. like, so she collabed with the national and bon iver on this record and previous obvi, and i LOVE them, but their music can often be very………impressionistic? perhaps? is how i might put it. it’s sometimes hard to get a note of specificity from it. imo. but taylor loves a fucking story bro. and she has figured out how to tell made up stories. she can’t be stopped now. like…this space of a breakup and knowing that it’s for the best and being sad in this way? name a pop star who has a song this nuanced. for real! god. i despise her. “across a great divide / there is a glorious sunrise”

DOROTHEA - the other half to the far superior TIS THE DAMN SEASON and a banger all the same. it has the bouncy joy of the most buoyant national songs. in the same vein as the also far superior BETTY, she has her sweet dumb boy slurry and less intelligent voice. i love that she paints these narrators this way, it’s just nothing she would have ever reached for ever before this period. she has a Perfect and Glorious Husband now and she has begun to understand teenage boys, FINALLY.

CONEY ISLAND - i have upon many occasions opined that i love the national VERY MUCH. i once went to a festival with my gf and her sister to see them even though i was expressly not invited and you know what despite the fact that it caused a lot of angst, i got to see the national play TERRIBLE LOVE in the middle of the night and I SCREAMED IT. so like, listen. what is matt berninger doing here, to me, specifically????????? i was somewhat hesitant about how their voices might blend, but it works astonishingly well. and i think that it’s so wonderful, i can’t. the imagery of a dreary coney island…..”sorry for not winning you an arcade ring.” as taylor always proves, the bridge is spectacular. “were you standing in the hallway / with a big cake / happy birthday”……”and when i got into the accident / the sight that flashed before me was your face / but when i walked up to the podium / i think that i forgot to say your name” sorry to yOU calvin. she had ISSUES. and now she has a Perfect and Glorious Husband. also “sorry for not making you my centerfold” ok kaylor

IVY - this song is about emily dickinson and i DARE you to tell me that i’m wrong. I DARE YOU. I DARE YOU. you’d be wrong! embarrassing for you. taylor finally writing a probably legitimate queer song and it’s about fucking emily dickinson is so on brand…..it’s dripping with poetry and groove and she’s so fucking dumb i hate her so much. her narrative of ivy and poetry and the lakes district…….ok taylor. i know. i know you watched all the dickinson things that came out and you identified with her. the gentle sway of the “oh, goddamn” and the “oh, i can’t”……i CAN’T EITHER TAYLOR !!! i CAN”T TAYLOR!!!! “oh goddamn / my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand / taking mine but it’s been promised to another / oh i can’t / stop you putting roots in my dreamland” TAYLOR. and then she says, “oh you didn’t realize this wasn’t gay?” “i want to know the fatal flaw that makes you long to be magnificently cursed” like @ emily yourself taylor “he wants what’s only yours”……TAYLOR. give me the entire catalogue of emily dickinson songs!!!!! i can’t do this. “springs breaks loose / but so does fear” “i’d live and die for moments that we stole / on begged and borrowed time / so tell me to run / or dare to sit and watch what we’ll become / and drink my husband’s wine.” taylor if you see this post, a, i love you, b, i need you to tell me about ivy, and c, PLEASE can i have tickets to your next tour in the year 2025 or whenever because my gf never buys me any to your shows……….i love this song if it isn’t clear. i think i’d love it if it wasn’t gay

COWBOY LIKE ME - ok this will sound weird and if you’ve read this far i’m going to assume that you don’t care about me being weird…but this song reminds me of the fanfiction STAY THE NIGHT by lynnearlington (maybe u’ve heard of it). please reply if you think about this and feel the same. “never wanted love / just a fancy car” “you had some tricks up your sleeve / takes one to know one / you’re a cowboy like me” the opening line re: the tent-like thing reminds me very strongly of the fourth of july at our family’s country club and they set up a tent over the parking lot and this song just makes me think of that vibe????? i don’t know. i have vibes. i love this song a lot, which is impressive because it follows after the gay euphoria of IVY. perhaps this is because it gives me its own gay euphoria. “now you hang from my lips like the garden babylon” ???? is one of the most gay, seductive, brutal lyrics i have ever heard. she wrote that down and was like, oh yeah, vibez, hundo p. she did that to me

LONG STORY SHORT - this song is an honorary sequel to I FORGOT THAT YOU EXISTED from the lover era (honestly i’m still in the lover era). but i actually think this song is better! so we are taking that. “actually i’ve always thought that i looked better from the rearview” ok taylor let’s access that feeling! “no more keeping score / i just keep you warm” is like, stupidly sweet.  rip to calvin but now taylor has a Perfect and Glorious Husband.

MARJORIE - made me cry, simple and beautiful. one of the more personal songs on the tracklist! and something that i had never considered that she would write about, but i think the quarantine period has allowed a lot of us to dig into our feelings, so….vibez. we’re vibing!

CLOSURE - this song’s production sounds a lot like bon iver’s recent productions, very tech-y and repetitive and spare. rip to karlie kloss but taylor has a Perfect and Glorious Husband and karlie’s legal last name is kushner so who really won? hmm? i love “i’m fine with my spite / and my tears / and my beers / and my candles” the inclusion of candles is just. vibez. there are four candles lit rn in our apartment!

EVERMORE - i think this song is very intriguing and i’m still puzzling with it! the simplicity of her depressive gray November phase and then the very ebullient and bold bon iver interlude……..really has a manic/depressive, sad/angry vibe???? it feels so on brand for this pandemic quarantine…..and it works shockingly well, except for that i’d rather listen to the bon iver part for 10 minutes more. “all my waves are being tossed / is there a line that i can just go cross” and then taylor’s sort of call and response with his interlude……should just be the whole song.  but it’s still good. that’s how annoying she is

[20thcentury-kylo]

Tides Of Memory

(prologue)

Well here it is- sorry this has taken me so long, I'm not really the best artist n such but here is The prologue chapter to Tides Of Memory 

                                                          Enjoy~ 

Sometimes.... he still dreams of their words... 

"Just breathe- it'll all be fine🎶" 

Delicate melodies offset by somber guitar strums... The lyrics plague his memory, repeating in endless loops. Strangely enough he feels something similar in his current state. 

Alas the boy assumes that's all they are- bizarre, sorrowful dreams. 

Xx

To Kiome, Ebisu is the closest thing he has to a home. The smiles of his rosé haired boyfriend made him feel more at home, than any foster family could. Ebisu was his tether, the source of the light in his eyes- He was without a doubt the love of Kiome's life. Even more so now as gazes up at the aspiring musician, listening to the slow harmony of the boy's soft tones... 

"I knocked on your bedroom door, and waited for you to enter~" He knows to cherish these moments, etch them deep within his heart to captivate him forever... Ebisu with his eyes closed absently guiding his hand from note to note, sings the soft tune. The song which he curiously named San Diego, is one of goodbyes, and wistful memories. Yet he plays it in such a way that one cannot help but to have hope, it's a feeling Kiome understands all too well. 

"I bought you a crimson rose, smelled just like you did~" The feeling washes over him in a soft murmur, and the boy decides that he should do something about the space between them. Face to face, heart to heart- his lips utter nothing but his eyes speak a thousand ballads in a silent attempt to intertwine his soul even further with his beloved. A slightly shaken hand reaches to cradle the musician's cheek, the subsequent blush from Ebisu spurring him on further. Their lips meet in a soft meld, fluttering beats pulling one another closer. And amidst the safe stillness of that lamp lit bedroom- he feels... they both feel- complete. 

--- 

"Daring- I love you🎶~" 

Learning of his power, and his true destiny.. Kiome almost lost it all. The fear of losing what little he had in froze him- What if he couldn't win, what if he couldn't protect them all. Such worries cloud his mind, there is no confidence in the subtle whispers of his newly acquired sword. But of course not, they do not hold the voice of his beloved. So as the swordsman sits paled in moonlight, he thinks of nothing but their voice. 

"If only we could fly across the nether~" A subtle smile of relief finds its way onto Kiome's expression. He scoots over, making room for Ebisu to sit with him. 

"Hey... how are ya holdin up?" The question forces a sigh from his lips... they're trembling. 

"I won't lie- I'm... scared out of my mind right now.." Ebisu reaches for his hand, and Kiome can feel the tremors in his soul calm at the contact. Gradually all the doubts he'd been suppressing float to the surface and out through his stuttered words. 

"I-I just- don't wanna forget you, wherever I end up." They're on borrowed time, and he can hear each Jarring tick pass them by. Stray tears escape the poor boy's eyes, he's trying to stay strong, if not for himself then for Ebisu. His own depressing thoughts are cut short by the warm embrace of his partner. 

"I Promise- You won't!!" It's a declaration that could pierce the heavens, Kiome notices that he's started to tear up as well yet says nothing.

Ebisu pulls back- flush faced yet Smiling nonetheless. His breaths are shaking, and his words flitter out sporadically, but Kiome knows- he knows and he couldn't be more thankful. 

"No matter what happens to us- to our memories..." He's suddenly quiet, his features holding a wistful hope. Kiome can't help but awe at how beautiful he is. 

"No matter what- every song I've written, every note, every memory... they'll be right here- etched in my heart.." Ebisu gazes at him with a look that peers straight into his core, he means this... And the embrace that follows is almost too poetic for words. 

"Ditto~" Kiome swears on this life, and every past life he's apparently had- he'd never forget this for as long as his existence still burned. 

--- 

The 1st thing that comes to him is the overwhelming burning stench as he looks upon the scene before him. They'd come for him. This was it- nowhere for Kiome to run. He steels himself with thoughts of his beloved, gripping his sword tighter. 

"Darling~ I love you🎶~" 

Ebisu was safe.. he'd made sure of that before ever considering this fated clash. If he survived this... he just might have to marry the ocean eyed musician. It gives him the will to move forward- When he survived this, he was definitely marrying him. The voices whispering from within his sword hum in agreement, giving him the confidence he needs to charge into danger. He couldn't die here- not when he had someone to live for. 

-- 

The beast's endless roars are all but deaf to him. Kiome stands, eyes burning bright. This is it- do or die... His sword rests firmly in his grasp- his strength does not waver, even for a moment. Each step is another reminder of what he's fighting for- each strike he bears the shock in stride, like hell was he gonna fall here... 

His body may betray his intentions- writhing with bloodied bruises and aching muscles.. But his heart can't give up now- his very soul screams out in defiance. The exception before him seems to hear this cry- as it stumbles back before giving a scream of its own. 

And as he braces himself to fight on.. the words echo ever so clearly in his head 

'Darling- I love you~" 

-- 

"Kiome!! Please... stay with me-" He can't feel his body anymore... 

Ebisu sits there- cradling the dying body of his beloved- blood covered, and practically torn to pieces... his eyes won't open. 

"Kiome!!" Ebisu's presence is the only thing keeping him from letting go completely... He wants to see his face.. To tell him not to weep for the foolish.. 

"I'm here.." Opening his eyes sends surges of blinding pain through his retinas.. but the moment that pink hair and rosy cheeks come into view- such pain is all but forgotten. He can't hear the exception anymore- guess he must've won. Then again... at what cost. 

"Why so sad.." Ebisu won't stop crying- and the sight of it brings tears to his own eyes. Suddenly the reality that he probably won't survive this  hits him all at once, and it's only through sheer exhaustion that he doesn't break down weeping then and there. Instead he sighs with a shaky breath, and gazes into his beloved's eyes for what he thinks to be the last time... 

"My time here is running short🎶" Ebisu's expression shifts, before he graces the dying boy with a tearful smile... 

"Your kisses were my ambrosia🎶"Ebisu leans down and lays a soft kiss onto Kiome's forehead- Kiome can feel a tear drop ever so slowly... 

"They melted into my skin🎶" A soft light begins to emerge from Kiome's core. This... was the end. He doesn't take his eyes off Ebisu for a moment- he'd burn the image of his beautiful face into his heart.. so he'd never forget.. 

"Darling... I love you" 

Xx 

The subtle morning light peaks through the dorm windows- rousing it's residents from slumber. He opens his eyes to find that they're wet with tears... 

'Again huh-'Kiome has had the same dream for the 3rd time this week. Of places he's never been, of people he's never met... of love he's never felt. But they're just dreams- he muses to himself. They meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Yet as he prepares for the day- eating his breakfast that Shiro so graciously prepared and brushing his teeth before heading to class- a strangely familiar tune remains stuck in his head... 

"I knocked on your bedroom door🎶~"He wonders where he could've heard it...

-PROLOGUE END-

Once again im really sorry for this taking so long- anywho i hope you enjoyed, i plan to update this semi frequently with a few drawings to complement each chapter (ReBlogs and Comments Are very much appreciated I wanna hear what you guys think uwu)

~Till Next Chapter~

[bananiell]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[drowninchampain]

lyrics that spoke truth: sokodomo ft. qim isle - too much (prod. boycold)